Swearing off Sugar

I sat down with my doctor last week to review some testing I recently had done. One test was a food allergy and sensitivity test. The doctor pulled out several charts and with a huge array of foods listed on the pages. I was happy to see only handful that were in the restricted zone. These are foods that I absolutely can not have for six a month period.

The first item on my restriction list was milk. I'm a milk lover, but hey, for no headaches, sinus pain, fatigue, and stomach problems I can skip milk for six months. Then she added, "And whey". I don't even know what the hell whey is, so I wasn’t bothered. No problem-ooh. Then I felt the list was getting tricky like a good murder mystery. "No yeast, brewer's or baker's". Okay, I don’t drink beer, even I though may entertain the (especially when my husband was out of town last week and the kids, cat, and dog vomited not only on the carpet, but the beds and sofas as well), but no bread? Come on. Then I remembered, "Man shall not live by bread alone". I have always thought that verse was a scriptural error so I felt no comfort from the heavenly direction. Then the doctor pulls a hard one, good and fast like a pitch from Johann Santana, "No cane sugar" May I add for your education, cane sugar is most forms of fructose as well as cookies, cold cereal, candies, cakes, peanut butter, soda, jelly, ketsup and a wide assortment of other condiments? I have to be condiment free for six months! Okay, I'm strong willed but my mind started doing some tabulations. Being the smart doctor she is, she saved the very best for last. She mentions it casually as a side note, "Oh, and garlic, no garlic". I don’t do rice or beans without garlic, it’s against my heritage. It's also in most seasonings and the kiss of death for eating out if you want Italian, Mexican, Chinese, and Japanese food. The she smiled and said, "Wow, only five foods. You’re pretty lucky". Somehow, despite the fact my mind was reeling with lists of pros and cons foods, I was still naive enough to believe her.

At least until I went to the grocery store. Big mistake. Can I tell you those five ingredients are pretty much in every G*#$%! F*&^$%$ food on the shelf? It's just not just sweets and milk I'm swearing off (sorry couldn't resist) but yogurt, cottage cheese sour cream, pizza, pita bread, rice cakes, soda (the good kind at least) and every frozen or prepared food, salad dressing, cracker, snack (pretzels and natural popcorn do not count). So I'm looking at steak, bananas, and plain salad out the bag. Which would be great, but I don't really eat meat and I have this texture thing with most vegetables and every fruit (it’s either autism or another manifestation of my OCD, I’m going for autism in this case).

I went to a dinner party the other night, and you know the only thing not on my restricted list was the slimy fruit. Yeah, I’m feeling pretty frackin' lucky.